Mon âme a peur

I hide underneath my shroud of lies.

I hope the world won’t catch
A glimpse of me
Beneath this tattered hood of aspersion.

I’m bare.
I’m as naked and vulnerable
As the day
my bleeding cries
tore at the air
Upon my entrance into the world.
So naked.

I won’t tell if you promise not to look.

You stare.
I curl into a ball
And pull my raiment of doubt
A little further over my head.
It’s cold out there,
So cold.
How can you stand it?
I can’t.

I’m naked and cold,
My skin is tinged with blue.
I’m not an object fit
To touch.
You reach for me anyway.

Your fingers burn
Like liquid nitrogen.
I never asked for this.

You promised that you wouldn’t look.

Pretty Peach

The pretty pretty peach
In the wicker bowl
Looks mighty tasty.
I might want to eat it,
But it could be overripe.

The fuzzy skin glows in the warm
Afternoon sun.
It looks mighty inviting,
But it might be overripe.

What if I bite in and it bursts?
Would the juice dribble down my chin
And collect in a pool
On the table?
Or would it spurt into the sky?

How do you know if it’s rotten
On the inside?
The outside looks so golden
And perfect
And delicious.

Could there be a worm
Wrapped insidiously around its core?
What festering disease
Could be eating away at its insides?

My stomach implores me to eat it,
But I nonchalantly walk away
From the glowing orb.

I’ll take my chances some other time.

Cheap Trick

Don’t take me for a ride
That I didn’t pay for.
I left my money
On the coffee table
Before I stepped out at night,
My heels a-tap-tappin’
And my hips a ‘swingin’.

I’ll whistle a tune of deliverance,
Care to join?
It’s not so hard,
You’ll pick it up soon.

I’m a human too,
Just like you.
As vulnerable and sad
And angry and happy
As the guy
Behind me in the line
For our 6AM coffee.
A whole lot of nothing
Rolled into something.

I’ll whistle a tune of deliverance,
Want to join?
I see you got it now,
I’m always right, you know.

Don’t take me for a ride
That I didn’t pay for.
I’d much rather walk.

Thanks anyway.

The real definition of family

I was reading my last entry, and I was surprised at how I sounded. It wasn't me at all. It was almost as if I was a different person...as if my doppelganger decided to come out of nowhere and take over my life for a moment. I suppose that's what intense emotions can do to you. After a lot of thought and introspection, I realized that things are meant to happen certain ways, and even if I don't understand why, I should keep my head up. Coming home has really helped me there. I didn't realize how much I missed my mom and two sisters. Despite the fact we argue like it's our job (Shaun can attest to this), we are as close as human beings can be.

I suppose it's because of the divorce. It sucked...I'm not going to lie. Nobody ever wants to witness their parents relationship deteriorate. But I guess it's kind of like a volcano. I know, odd analogy, but hear me out. A volcano erupts, sending ash, lava, and rock into the atmosphere and outlying areas, leaving a devastated wasteland in its wake. For a while, there isn't any life. The ash has choked the life out of the plant life, while the lava and rocks make it impossible for anything to grow or live for a while. However, after things cool down a bit, life starts to emerge again. Sometimes its in the form of a tiny green shoot springing up from a crevice, or sometimes its in the form of the song of a small bird floating in the air. Life eventually comes from the devastation, even if you think it would be impossible. I guess that's what happened with my sisters and me. Because of the fighting between our parents, we became really close. I see them as my best friends. They're the little plants that grew from the ashes and debris. The relationship between my mother and I would be the song of the birds. We are two very stubborn individuals that almost never see eye to eye on anything. We can argue a lot at times, and sometimes I wonder how we're related because we seem to be so different. However, my mother is one of the strongest people that I know. She has gone through hell and back for her daughters and for her own pride and dignity. She has sacrificed the world in order to get us where we are today. She lived through a marriage devoid of love for about six years before she had saved up enough to divorce my father and keep custody of us. She sacrificed her happiness in order to rebuild a better life for us. It's amazing. She faced insuperable odds, and still managed to lead us and herself out unscathed. She is putting three girls through college, on her own, and attending college herself. She's made the Dean's or President's List each semester. I don't care if we don't get along all the time. She is one of the most beautiful, courageous, and talented women that I can ever come across. I'm just lucky to call her my mother.

My sisters are pretty amazing too. Olivia, despite all of her sarcasm and ire, is a very passionate individual whose loyalty to her friends and family is admirable. She has gone from a student who continuously gets bad grades to a student who constantly does her best and and achieves great results. She is always on High Honor Roll. I admire her tenacity. Her hardworking, no bullshit attitude can make her seem to be unapproachable, but she has a heart of gold. Then there's Kerry. Oooh, Ker, with the crazy hair and loopy head. Despite the fact that she seems to have her head in the clouds all the time, she is really quite perceptive and astute. Her insights into life are surprising, but almost always quite accurate. I just wish she would give herself the chance to show others this. Kerry is also one of the kindest people that I know. She would do anything for those she loved, even those that she barely knew.

Now, I know I've titled this blog "The Real Definition of Family." I think a lot of people define family in very conventional terms. They see a family as the regular, nuclear family with a dog, a cat, two children and a white picket fence. I guess that's an okay definition. However, defining something as important as family by material things or an preconceived notion is kind of..well, dumb. Family is about those who love you, blood or no blood. I consider most of my close friends to be members of my family. Without people like Andi, Shaun, Molly or Kyle in my life, I don't know what I'd do. Granted, there are more people than that, but those are probably the most immediate. Good friends are definitely part of the equation. Family isn't defined by blood, or possessions, or an idea impressed upon us by society. It's the people that we love, and who love us in return. That's what family is.

Ciao!

Everything that was, isn't.

I'm at a bit of an impasse. I was faced with the reality of losing something that I love dearly today, and it scared the hell out of me. What makes it worse is that I didn't know I cared so much until I was faced with never having it again. I thought that I would have had to drop out of Crane today.

Now, Crane is a bit hellish at times, but I love to sing with a sincere and abiding passion. It is really a part of who I am, and without it, I don't think that I would be whole. For a while, I tried convincing myself that I would be. "You have other things that you can do that are just as important, if not moreso." That was may way of rationalizing my absurd views. It turns out that those were based on a gnawing insecurity that I have only just begun to let go of. My conviction in what I can do is there, but my mind doesn't support it at times. I suppose it's because I am afraid. Of what? Who knows. Myself probably. I also get involved in a lot of things so I don't have to deal with these personal issues. If I don't have time to think about them, they aren't there.

Or so I thought.

I've just been shooting myself in the foot. By doing everything, I eventually succeeded in accomplishing nothing. By worrying about everything else, I lost track of the one thing that I needed to keep together: me. I hate to even say this, but maybe activism isn't my thing. Maybe worrying about the welfare of others really is as stupid as some people have told me it was. I don't know anymore. A part of me doesn't care. It scares me to say that, but it's true. I. Don't. Care.

I'm tired.

Long Island Ice Tea=bad plan

A random poem...I'm drunk and emo...deal:-P


The story teller sings a song
Speaking of a lover’s kiss.
Idealism in his eyes
He sings songs wrought by bliss.

I wonder if he’s ever experienced
The stabbing pain
Of a lover’s slight.

He carries on with his guitar,
Singing songs into the night.

I wonder if he notices the shadow
In the background.

I hide in the dark,
Allowing his words to seep
Into my subconscious.
I don’t believe a thing he says.

Love isn’t kind.
It isn’t worth everything
That the heroes have died for
In stories of old.

It’s cruel,
And painful
And bleak.
It hurts one to the core,
Turning a heart of gold
To that of lead.

He doesn’t know.

With the ending chord of his guitar,
I sigh as
My hand solemnly grasps at my breast.

I feel cold.

I knew then
That I’d turn myself inside out
Just to feel
My heart beat
Underneath this layer of ice
I call my soul.

List of things to do this summer

Alright...this may be jumping the gun, but lately I've been thinking of ways to maximize my summer fun. I've come up with a list of things that I need to accomplish once school starts on August 26th. If anybody has any suggested additions, please feel free to tell me:-).

(Not in order)

1.) Get a tattoo...or two (pitta dosha...check it out).
2.) Read Tolstoy's War and Peace.
3.) Highlight my hair (not sure what color though).
4.) Read/watch the new Harry Potter book/movie.
5.) Climb at least one of the 46 highest peaks in the Adirondacks (Mt. Marcy, any takers??).
6.) Get up early enough to watch the sun rise once a week.
7.) Plan a benefit to raise money for a worthy cause (John Gurga or Darfur??).
8.) Lose ten pounds (for posterity's sake).
9.) Read a bunch of things actually (Sense and Sensibility, To Kill a Mockingbird, reread the Silmarillion, A Clockwork Orange, Dragons of Eden...).
10.) Conquer my fear of heights by doing the bungee swing at Great Escape (eee!).
11.) Get a fabulous tan.
12.) Obtain a pistol license.
13.) Sing on a street corner in Saratoga Springs.
14.) Learn basic Italian.
15.) Learn how to make a killer Long Island Ice Tea, as well as some other fun cocktails.


Okay, that's my list for now. Does anybody have any other ideas??? I'm open to all suggestions! Ciao...:-)

A Fragment

Another fragment, another piece...here it is for all to see.

Whispered words.
A flash of quicksilver in the dark,
Striking out at times unknown.
Your tongue is a weapon
of sophisticated torture.

I despair as I sink into ecstasy.

Baptized by the Bottle

So yeah...I was kind of feeling down, and decided to meld my mood into poetic nonsense. Here are the fruits of that effort.

*Baptized by the Bottle

Another night of solitude.
You could blame it on my attitude,
But I’d just blame it on the wine.

I reach for the bottle,
The cool glass comforting
Against my clammy palm.

I can barely lift the bottle to my lips.
I am weak,
But my resolve is strong.

My solace comes
At the bottom of the clear glass
Tomb.

I smile as the familiar
Tang of wine
Flirts with my parted lips.

It looks like blood.

Baptized.
The liquid burns a hole
through my throat.

It’s a small price to pay
When memories
Grow cobwebs in your mind.

The bottle slips from dead fingers.
I won’t remember this tomorrow.

I'll commit your memory to paper,
and drink a toast to it.

Baptized by the bottle.
Drinking to forget.

Happinessx10!!!!!

I absolutely love what I do. Why pursue something if it's not worth the pursuit? If you don't love something enough to put your all into it, to dedicate every fiber of your soul and being into it, then what is the point? Passion is nothing without drive and inspiration. Without drive, passion can be extinguished. It lacks the fuel to propel itself into motion. It is merely a ship without a sail, floating aimlessly on the ocean.
There is also inspiration. Inspiration gives reason and flight to our passions. Without inspiration, we'd be left without a vehicle to pursue what we love the most. I've come to figure this out this past semester. Music is my everything. My heart, my soul, my life. I sing because I cannot live without it. If I were to lose my voice, my life would be diminished. I would lose a part of me that is so near and dear, I don't think I would ever be whole again. Singing inspires me, moves me, pushes me, and challenges me beyond anything that I've ever done. That feeling itself makes life worth living. Like I said, I love what I do:)


I'm done with being afraid. This break has made me realize that in order to be where you want and to truly grow, you need to do things that may seem a little bit scary. I'm going to be making a big change soon. That scares me. It has for a while. But now, with a lot of soul searching and the advice and support of a few good friends, I feel like I have the strength to do it. I've come to the realization that if I really, really, love music and what I do with all of my heart, I have to throw myself to the lions and get on with it. Before...I would not have been okay with that. I like to be in control of things because if I don't have that control, I feel like I'm weak, or I feel like I'm vulnerable. I hate that feeling more than anything else. However, relinquishing this control is also a big step for me...and one of the only ways I can start to grow and become the person that I am meant to be. Ahh...moments of clarity are wonderful :-D