Everything that was, isn't.

I'm at a bit of an impasse. I was faced with the reality of losing something that I love dearly today, and it scared the hell out of me. What makes it worse is that I didn't know I cared so much until I was faced with never having it again. I thought that I would have had to drop out of Crane today.

Now, Crane is a bit hellish at times, but I love to sing with a sincere and abiding passion. It is really a part of who I am, and without it, I don't think that I would be whole. For a while, I tried convincing myself that I would be. "You have other things that you can do that are just as important, if not moreso." That was may way of rationalizing my absurd views. It turns out that those were based on a gnawing insecurity that I have only just begun to let go of. My conviction in what I can do is there, but my mind doesn't support it at times. I suppose it's because I am afraid. Of what? Who knows. Myself probably. I also get involved in a lot of things so I don't have to deal with these personal issues. If I don't have time to think about them, they aren't there.

Or so I thought.

I've just been shooting myself in the foot. By doing everything, I eventually succeeded in accomplishing nothing. By worrying about everything else, I lost track of the one thing that I needed to keep together: me. I hate to even say this, but maybe activism isn't my thing. Maybe worrying about the welfare of others really is as stupid as some people have told me it was. I don't know anymore. A part of me doesn't care. It scares me to say that, but it's true. I. Don't. Care.

I'm tired.