The real definition of family

I was reading my last entry, and I was surprised at how I sounded. It wasn't me at all. It was almost as if I was a different person...as if my doppelganger decided to come out of nowhere and take over my life for a moment. I suppose that's what intense emotions can do to you. After a lot of thought and introspection, I realized that things are meant to happen certain ways, and even if I don't understand why, I should keep my head up. Coming home has really helped me there. I didn't realize how much I missed my mom and two sisters. Despite the fact we argue like it's our job (Shaun can attest to this), we are as close as human beings can be.

I suppose it's because of the divorce. It sucked...I'm not going to lie. Nobody ever wants to witness their parents relationship deteriorate. But I guess it's kind of like a volcano. I know, odd analogy, but hear me out. A volcano erupts, sending ash, lava, and rock into the atmosphere and outlying areas, leaving a devastated wasteland in its wake. For a while, there isn't any life. The ash has choked the life out of the plant life, while the lava and rocks make it impossible for anything to grow or live for a while. However, after things cool down a bit, life starts to emerge again. Sometimes its in the form of a tiny green shoot springing up from a crevice, or sometimes its in the form of the song of a small bird floating in the air. Life eventually comes from the devastation, even if you think it would be impossible. I guess that's what happened with my sisters and me. Because of the fighting between our parents, we became really close. I see them as my best friends. They're the little plants that grew from the ashes and debris. The relationship between my mother and I would be the song of the birds. We are two very stubborn individuals that almost never see eye to eye on anything. We can argue a lot at times, and sometimes I wonder how we're related because we seem to be so different. However, my mother is one of the strongest people that I know. She has gone through hell and back for her daughters and for her own pride and dignity. She has sacrificed the world in order to get us where we are today. She lived through a marriage devoid of love for about six years before she had saved up enough to divorce my father and keep custody of us. She sacrificed her happiness in order to rebuild a better life for us. It's amazing. She faced insuperable odds, and still managed to lead us and herself out unscathed. She is putting three girls through college, on her own, and attending college herself. She's made the Dean's or President's List each semester. I don't care if we don't get along all the time. She is one of the most beautiful, courageous, and talented women that I can ever come across. I'm just lucky to call her my mother.

My sisters are pretty amazing too. Olivia, despite all of her sarcasm and ire, is a very passionate individual whose loyalty to her friends and family is admirable. She has gone from a student who continuously gets bad grades to a student who constantly does her best and and achieves great results. She is always on High Honor Roll. I admire her tenacity. Her hardworking, no bullshit attitude can make her seem to be unapproachable, but she has a heart of gold. Then there's Kerry. Oooh, Ker, with the crazy hair and loopy head. Despite the fact that she seems to have her head in the clouds all the time, she is really quite perceptive and astute. Her insights into life are surprising, but almost always quite accurate. I just wish she would give herself the chance to show others this. Kerry is also one of the kindest people that I know. She would do anything for those she loved, even those that she barely knew.

Now, I know I've titled this blog "The Real Definition of Family." I think a lot of people define family in very conventional terms. They see a family as the regular, nuclear family with a dog, a cat, two children and a white picket fence. I guess that's an okay definition. However, defining something as important as family by material things or an preconceived notion is kind of..well, dumb. Family is about those who love you, blood or no blood. I consider most of my close friends to be members of my family. Without people like Andi, Shaun, Molly or Kyle in my life, I don't know what I'd do. Granted, there are more people than that, but those are probably the most immediate. Good friends are definitely part of the equation. Family isn't defined by blood, or possessions, or an idea impressed upon us by society. It's the people that we love, and who love us in return. That's what family is.

Ciao!

Everything that was, isn't.

I'm at a bit of an impasse. I was faced with the reality of losing something that I love dearly today, and it scared the hell out of me. What makes it worse is that I didn't know I cared so much until I was faced with never having it again. I thought that I would have had to drop out of Crane today.

Now, Crane is a bit hellish at times, but I love to sing with a sincere and abiding passion. It is really a part of who I am, and without it, I don't think that I would be whole. For a while, I tried convincing myself that I would be. "You have other things that you can do that are just as important, if not moreso." That was may way of rationalizing my absurd views. It turns out that those were based on a gnawing insecurity that I have only just begun to let go of. My conviction in what I can do is there, but my mind doesn't support it at times. I suppose it's because I am afraid. Of what? Who knows. Myself probably. I also get involved in a lot of things so I don't have to deal with these personal issues. If I don't have time to think about them, they aren't there.

Or so I thought.

I've just been shooting myself in the foot. By doing everything, I eventually succeeded in accomplishing nothing. By worrying about everything else, I lost track of the one thing that I needed to keep together: me. I hate to even say this, but maybe activism isn't my thing. Maybe worrying about the welfare of others really is as stupid as some people have told me it was. I don't know anymore. A part of me doesn't care. It scares me to say that, but it's true. I. Don't. Care.

I'm tired.